Good Enough

Oh, hello there! It’s been a while. I wondered when you’d return.

Hello, Loneliness.

Hello, Fear.

Hello, Disgust.

Come in! Come in! Yes, there have been some changes here. I’ve been feathering my nest and curating my possessions; out with the broken, the stained, the useless, the ugly, the weighty. I am clearing spaces, making room, and beautifying.

You’re not so sure you like it? You like it the way it used to be. You don’t like how the light bounces around now. You want to huddle on the sofa as we used to do; you say you’ve missed me?

Well, of course. Come close and let’s settle in. Loneliness, lodge in my heart. Fear, you feel so familiar in my belly. And you, Disgust, devour my throat and brain.

Ahh, just like old times you repeat your not-so-sweet nothings:

Loneliness whispers, “You’ll always be alone, alone, alone, alone, alone....”

Fear hisses, “What if you fail? What if you make a fool of yourself? What will others think? You’re looking for love? Ha! Watch it, you might be hurt! What if no one cares to love you? What if YOU can’t love? You’d better stay here, safe and sound.”

Disgust sneers, “Who do you think you are? You’re lumpy and bumpy and short and awkward; you’re mis-formed. You’re not stately or lithe or bubbly or noticeable. You’re hardly worth consideration. You’re too smart and too dumb. You’re too much and not enough.”

Are you all comfortable, snuggled in your familiar places? Have you given me all your wisdom? I learn a bit each time you come to me.  One day I hope to master your lessons.

You know a visit is always welcome! Enjoy the comfort, my dears, for soon I must evict you from these inner spaces. I have a pillow here for you to rest on; stay until you’ve energy to go.

While I’m still capable, I’m going into the world to people I don’t know. If I’m lucky and brave I’ll have a conversation or two. I’ll put myself out there. It’s easier now that I’ve been doing it a while. Yes, I do hope to meet someone with whom I could travel this life, but I’m not counting on it. I am, however, one hundred percent sure that while huddled here with you I won’t find the sustenance I need.

I’ll take a chance and place myself in a slightly faster stream of life. Who knows where the eddies and swirls will take me? The question isn’t “What do I have to lose?” It’s really, “What could I gain?” And the answer is... more of life and all its ups and downs.

It is likely when I’m out there that I will experience something new. I know I’ll find beauty; it’s everywhere. Someone’s laugh may sound like liquid joy. I might see the lake silver-plated as I’ve seen it only once before. An idea could take flight, or a new acquaintance may remember my name. I might run straight into a warm embrace. Unknown possibilities beckon me most urgently.

So stay until you’re rested, Loneliness, Fear, and Disgust, and do stop by again; I know you need my comfort, and I still have lessons to learn.

Oh, and when you go, please leave the door open.

Happiness and I will be back soon to dance awkwardly and sing off-key. We will laugh and snort and stumble and attend to our needs and wants. For the most part I’ll forget that I’m lumpy and bumpy and short and mis-formed; too smart and too dumb; too much and not enough.

I’ll just be me as best I can, with all that I have to give and all that I’m willing to accept. I am magnificently imperfect but good enough. And THAT is my life lesson.

Hey there, Life!  I’m tired of hiding my light beneath a basket. Better make way; here I come. I’m jumping in flat-footed and pigeon-toed!